Perbedaan Hantu Luar Negri & Indonesia

Kemiskinan suatu negara dpt dilihat dari pendapatan perkapita rakyatnya, dan penampilan para HANTU nya...

1.EROPA & AMERIKA
~Drakula
*jas htm & setelan berdasi, berpenampilan rapi & elegan
*tmpt tinggal kastil megah atau rmh mewah
*bermobil mewah
*berpendidikan tinggi
(Lihat film Twilight)

2.Tiongkok  :
~Vampire
*berpakaian adat bangsawan China lengkap dgn songkok hitam
*tinggal di kastil mewah
*memakai perhiasan berupa cincin giok

3.TIMUR TENGAH/ARAB
~jin
*berbaju bangsawan Arab, lengkap dgn sepatu Timur Tengahnya
*memakai anting dan perhiasan dari emas
*tinggal dilampu minyak yg terbuat dari emas dan berhias permata

4.INDONESIA
~kuntilanak
*daster putih polos sederhana, rambut panjang tdk terurus, kantung mata hitam legam, dan wajah pucat pasi
*tinggal di pohon2, kadang di gudang tdk terpakai

~pocong
*muka jelek tdk terawat, pakaian kumel karna tdk pernah dicuci
*tempat tinggal kuburan dan lorong2 gelap

~jelangkung
*sangking miskinnya, kemana kudu jalan kaki gak sanggup bayar ojek (dtng gak dijemput plng gak dianter)

~tuyul
*boro2 baju, laaah cuma pakai sempak doang..saking miskinnya ampe jadi maling.

Bandingkan & renungkanlah kawan... Betapa MISKIN nya negri kita... Sampai HANTU nya aja mengenaskan...\=D/

I am thankful for...

• The taxes I pay because it means that I am employed
• The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
• A lawn that has to be mowed, windows that have to be washed and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
• The spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking
• All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.
• The lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
• The alarm that goes off the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive.

45 LIFE LESSONS, WRITTEN BY A 90 YEAR OLD

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short not to enjoy it.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for things that matter.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye… But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose Life.
28. Forgive but don’t forget.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give Time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d  grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you think you need.
42. The best is yet to come…
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

FPI...

Info Bocoran UMR 2014 dari anggota Dewan Pengupahan Nasional

Rencana Pemerintah per tgl 31 Oktober 2013 pkl. 00.00 WIB, menyikapi tuntutan buruh maka pemerintah meresponse positif dimana diputuskan akan menghapus tenaga kerja kontrak/outsourcing, diangkat jd pegawai tetap, dan menaikan gaji UMR thn 2014 di Indonesia, sesuai lulusan sekolah, yaitu :
SD.   :  Rp 2.750.000
SMP  :  Rp 3.500.000
SMA :  Rp 4.250.000
D3.   :  Rp 5.625.000
S1.    :  Rp 7.450.000

Gaji tsb akan dikurs kan kedlm bentuk "YEN" dgn ketentuan sbb :
- Yen Ono Duite...
- Yen Presidene Mbahmu...
- Yen Wakile Pakdhe Mu...
- Yen Mentri keuangane Bapakmu...
- Yen ing tawang ono lintang...
Pokoke sak karepmu laaaahh....

Beberapa percakapan...

1. Dok, tolong selametin anak saya! || Tenang dulu bu! Anak ibu kenapa? || Anak saya ulang tahun dok! Selametin ya...

2. Rapi amat lo Dul, mau kemana? || Nonton konser Mak! || Dimana? || Di Youtube || Oh, baek baek yak || Iye mak

3. Bang, bakso dong || Boleh || Sambelnya banyakin dikit || Mau lu apa sih, banyak ape sedikit?

4. Bang, nasi goreng satu || Pedes apa ga?|| Mana gue tau? Kan belum nyicipin!

5. Bang bubur satu ya || Pakai kacang? || Pakee.. || Dikasih ayam Mas..? || Kalau dikasih ayam gue makan apa?

6. Saya mau ngelamar kerja, ini poto copy ijazah saya || Kok poto copy?!? aslinya mana...???|| Tegal...!!

7. Bang maaf, disini ruangan ber-AC, jadi nggak boleh ngerokok. || Oh maaf pak, saya lupa matiin AC-nya...!!! (Ambil remote)

8. Bang, kok mie ayamnya gak ada ayamnya?! || Lah, lu kalau beli lem tikus emang ada tikusnya?! || *gigit mangkok*

9. Mbak minta es teh || Manis gak? || Gak usah manis-manis, yang penting setia dan mau menerima saya apa adanya #eaaa

10. Guru: Ayo anak-anak coba sebutkan ciri-ciri gunung aktif || Murid: miscalled aja bu, kalo nyambung berarti aktif

Satu Arah

Seorang kakek sedang menyetir ketika ponselnya berbunyi.

Saat diangkat, terdengar suara nenek dengan nada panik : "kamu ada di mana??!"
"Di jalan sudirman," jawab kakek tenang.

"Hati-hati ya! Aku barusan liat berita di TV, ada satu mobil nekat melawan arus
di Jl Sudirman. Kayaknya orang gila!" lanjut si Nenek.

Kakek menjawab:"Satu mobil apanya!? Ini di depanku ada ratusan mobil yg melawan arus! Wong edannnn kabehh!!!"

Kalo binatang punya facebook...statusnya kayak gini nih...

Anjing pudel: Nunggu di jemput majikan, mo ke salon neeh...

Kecoa: Baru aja slamet dari injekan maut...

Sapi : Huh sebel susuku di raba-raba lg oleh majikanku, dikira gw jablay apa!!

Kucing: Anak gw yg ke-7 barusan nanya sapa bapaknya, gw bingung mau jwb apa, gw sendiri lupa bpknya siapa...

Nyamuk: Gw positif HIV AIDS, gara2 salah isep ,hiks...

Ayam : Teman2 klo besok gw ga update, berarti gw di kfc, luv u all...

Cumi Cumi : Abis isi ulang tinta neeh...

Babi : Gw dibilang nyebarin flu, sialan...

Kambing : Jangan kluar rumah friends, bentar lg Idul Adha...

Babi komen status Kambing: untung gw haram

Kambing bales komen: Abis Idul Adha khan Imlek bro, lo lupa?

Jatuh dalam Bahasa Jawa

Kalo pake Bahasa Indonesia, mau jatuh ke arah manapun namanya tetap: JATUH.

Begitu juga jika pake Bahasa Inggris: FALL.

Coba kalo bahasa Jawa:

Jatuh ke belakang : GEBLAK
Jatuh dari atas : CIBLOK
Jatuh ke depan : NYUNGSEP
Jatuh terlempar : JUNGKEL
Jatuh krn tersandung : JLONGOP
Jatuh terus meluncur : NDLOSOR
Belum lagi jika dikaitkan dg kondisi jatuh nya:
Jatuh dari tempat tidur : NGGELUNDUNG
Jatuh cinta : TRESNO
Jatuh tertidur : KESIREP
Jatuh disertai kehilangan kesadaran SEMAPUT.
Jatuh enggak bangun-bangun : MATEK.
Jatuh tak sengaja : KEPLESET
Jatuh terguling-guling : KRINGKELAN.
Jatuh meluncur tanpa ada penahannya : MBROSOT
Jatuh meluncur dari mainan luncuran : PROSOTAN.
Jatuh miskin : MLARAT
Jatuh dr lantai 15 : MODAR!!

Sang Harimau

Suatu pagi, ada seekor harimau yang terbangun dan merasa sangat hebat. Ketika ia keluar dan memojokkan seekor monyet kecil, ia mengaum dan bertanya padanya: “Siapa yang paling perkasa di antara seluruh penghuni hutan belantara?!” Monyet kecil yang malang itu menjawab, “Tentu saja Anda, Tuan Harimau, tidak ada yang lebih perkasa daripada Anda.”

Sejenak kemudian, sang harimau berhadapan dengan seekor rusa dan menyudutkannya, ”Siapa yang paling kuat di antara seluruh penghuni hutan belantara?!” Sang rusa begitu ketakutan sampai hamper tak dapat berbicara, tapi ia menjawab, “Oh, Tuan Harimau yang hebat, Anda-lah yang paling perkasa di antara semua penghuni hutan belantara.”

Lalu Sang Harimau berjalan dengan gagahnya ke arah seekor gajah yang sedang memakan rerumputan dengan tenang. Lalu ia mengaum sekeras – kerasnya dan bertanya, “Siapa yang paling perkasa di antara seluruh penghuni hutan belantara??”

Tetapi sang Gajah melingkarkan belalainya dan menangkap sang Harimau, membantingnya, menangkapnya lagi dan membantingnya lagi. Sampai sang Harimau babak belur. Akhirnya sang Gajah melemparkannya dengan keras ke sebatang pohon.

Sang Harimau memaksakan diri untuk bangkit dan menatap sang Gajah, kemudian berkata, "bro kalau ga tahu jawabannya, ga usah marah donk!!!

Noah in 2012

Late in the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in USA, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.  Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it." 

Never regret anything

Punctuation

Bill Gates vs Steve Jobs

Bill      : So, how is heaven Steve ?

Steve : Great ! It just doesn't have wall and fences.

Bill      : So ?

Steve : So we don't need Windows and Gates there. Hahaha!

Bill      : Grrrrgh!

Steve : Sorry Bill, didn't mean to offend you.

Bill      : It's okay Steve. But I heard a rumor.

Steve : Oh, what rumor ?

Bill      : That nobody's allowed to touch Apple there.

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil ... Alive…

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said:  "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Sifat Hantu: Tidak semuanya jelek

Tidak semua sifat hantu itu jelek. Inilah sifat hantu yg patut di tiru :

1. Tuyul
Masih kecil udah mandiri, bisa cari uang sendiri

2. Kuntilanak
Susah senang selalu tertawa, ini menunjukkan kepribadian kuntilanak ini optimis.

3. Pocong
Dari dulu bajunya nggak pernah ganti, artinya dia tidak tertarik pada fashion, sangat bersahaja.

4. Nyi Roro Kidul
Walau selalu menetap di lautan, tapi pakaiannya selalu lengkap dan sopan, dia nggak pake baju renang, artinya dia selalu menjaga etika dan kehormatan.

5. Jelangkung
Datang nggak di undang, pulang nggak diantar, artinya dia nggak mau merepotkan orang lain.

6. Genderuwo
Ini adalah makhluk halus yang paling istimewa, walau mukanya jelek, ancur, badannya bau, pokonya jorok dan menakutkan tapi sifatnya sangat sabar. Buktinya dia mau baca tulisan ini sampai habis...hihihii...

Canadians vs Americans

Canadians: Please divert your course 5 degrees south to avoid a collision.
 
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 5 degrees north to avoid a collision.
 
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 5 degrees south to avoid a collision.
 
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Lincoln, the second-largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet!  We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous other support ships. I demand that you change your course 5 degrees north, or measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship!
 
Canadians: This is a lighthouse.

Post Office Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Abbott & Costello: Buying A Computer

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.  For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT 

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks.  I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. 

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why?  Will it get stuffy in here? 

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know.  What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software. 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No.  On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.  What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything? 

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office? 

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!  OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need? 

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.  What about financial bookkeeping?  You have anything I can track my money with? 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right.  What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes.  No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?  How much?

ABBOT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not?  THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

Children

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. ~Author Unknown